Vacation....
alright on our way!! going to the peace garden first...
then who knows where...
see ya when I get back
Sunday, July 30, 2006
Friday, July 28, 2006
Ok is anyone going to use these?
+---------- Bizarre Answering Machine Messages -----------+
Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by
the International Institute of Answering Machine Answers.
1] My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if
you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as
soon as we're finished.
2] A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons
is why we're not here. So leave a message.
3] Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already
sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If
you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me
enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If
you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
4] "Hi. Now you say something."
5] "Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is,
so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."
6] "Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"
7] (From Japanese friend) He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave
message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I
call sooner!
8] "Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his
refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your
message to myself with one of these magnets."
9] "Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of
receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows,
or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to
charity through their office and do not need their picture
taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number
and they will get back to you."
10] "This is not an answering machine -this is a telepathic
thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your
name, your reason for calling and a number where I can
reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."
11] "Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I
don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back,
it's you."
12] "Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone
right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone
until I call you back."
13] "If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home
cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone.
Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us
a message."
14] Please leave a message. However, you have the right to
remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will
be used by us.
15] Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up
the phone right now, because we're doing something we really
enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it
left to right .... real slowly. So leave a message, and when
we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.
***
Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by
the International Institute of Answering Machine Answers.
1] My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if
you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as
soon as we're finished.
2] A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons
is why we're not here. So leave a message.
3] Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already
sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If
you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me
enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If
you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
4] "Hi. Now you say something."
5] "Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is,
so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."
6] "Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"
7] (From Japanese friend) He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave
message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I
call sooner!
8] "Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his
refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your
message to myself with one of these magnets."
9] "Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of
receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows,
or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to
charity through their office and do not need their picture
taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number
and they will get back to you."
10] "This is not an answering machine -this is a telepathic
thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your
name, your reason for calling and a number where I can
reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."
11] "Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I
don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back,
it's you."
12] "Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone
right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone
until I call you back."
13] "If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home
cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone.
Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us
a message."
14] Please leave a message. However, you have the right to
remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will
be used by us.
15] Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up
the phone right now, because we're doing something we really
enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it
left to right .... real slowly. So leave a message, and when
we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.
***
Diary of a Smoker-Quitting
Diary of a Smoker-Quitting
This Sucks
Day One: Shit.
Day One again only the next day:
Have tried to kill husband twice.
Decide against washing dishes
as always have cigarette when done.
Same for bathroom.
Am suddenly thinking this has upside.
Eating dried fruit, apricots, pears, and brown things that look like
squished roaches, which remind me of doobie roaches, which remind me of
cigarettes. Watch husband light a cigarette; look at him pitifully. Eat
leftover beans from last night - that'll show him. Walk by computer and
wave occasionally. Can't sit and write or surf as this has been main
smoking area. It's about four-o' clock now; I could have just one, I
could have just one, I could have just one. That's Mr. Nicotine. He
lives with me; 'he' could be a chick, but frankly, right now, I don't
frigging care. Decide to play fantasy game on Playstation. Spend next
three hours breeding Chocobos so game hero can save world. World doomed
in my opinion.
Day two, morning:
Woke up two hours earlier than usual.
Great; two extra hours of fencing practice
with the RJ Reynolds Company and spawn.
Seriously considering finding some hallucinogens as never had desire for
nicotine during a really good walk through a wall. Woke up six times
during night to pee because I drank four gallons of water "to assist
my system flush poison." Am feeling unusually testy as result of lack
of sleep and deep-seated oral fixation fantasies. Decide to either kill
or have sex with mail carrier when post arrives. Probably both.
Day 2, afternoon:
See husband off to airport for business trip.
Clean closets. Nothing new in mail.
Did all laundry out of necessity -
body of dead mail carrier would not fit in dryer otherwise.
Put in extra dryer sheets
(Arm and Hammer, biodegradable.)
Decide to take walk.
Meet neighbor who asks if mail came yet.
She is smoking a cigarette.
I tell her no out of spite.
Day 3, morning:
Go through dead man's mail bag;
keep catalogues for joyous Christmas shopping.
Feed rest down garbage disposal.
Day 3, Afternoon:
Call garbage disposal repair.
Day 4: Receive visitor.
Police looking for missing mail carrier -
received anonymous tip from garbage disposal repair person. Make coffee
and offer fat-free cookies and dried fruit. Arrange dried fruit to make
smiley faces on plate. Police officer asks if I mind if he smokes.
Burst in to tears. Confess.
Day 472:
Sentenced to death in murder of Postal Employee.
( Federal crime.)
Day 478:
Beaten by seven large women in prison
for having no cigarettes to trade.
Able to sing better now; make up prison blues songs.
Day 552:
Receive divorce papers:
husband marrying tobacco heiress.
Cell-mate offers to have ex husband whacked.
Wants twelve cartons of cigarettes
and one pair Doc Marten boots.
Decide husband will live as price too steep.
Day 558:
Secure two cartons of cigarettes for payment
to cell-mate to have defense attorney whacked.
Feel better.
Day 691:
Served last meal - minister asks if
anything wanted at last moments.
Think back to how good cigarette after meals used to be. Request one
last smoke. Minister reluctant, no smoking in federal building, but
sneaks one in. Sit back, relax, smoke. Ahhhhh. Feel slightly dizzy,
giddy, euphoric. Warden enters cell excitedly; Governor issues full
pardon due to new Federal "It Takes a Village" crimes statute: allows
for defense appeal of insanity by reason of severe nicotine withdrawal.
Day 1: Shit.
This Sucks
Day One: Shit.
Day One again only the next day:
Have tried to kill husband twice.
Decide against washing dishes
as always have cigarette when done.
Same for bathroom.
Am suddenly thinking this has upside.
Eating dried fruit, apricots, pears, and brown things that look like
squished roaches, which remind me of doobie roaches, which remind me of
cigarettes. Watch husband light a cigarette; look at him pitifully. Eat
leftover beans from last night - that'll show him. Walk by computer and
wave occasionally. Can't sit and write or surf as this has been main
smoking area. It's about four-o' clock now; I could have just one, I
could have just one, I could have just one. That's Mr. Nicotine. He
lives with me; 'he' could be a chick, but frankly, right now, I don't
frigging care. Decide to play fantasy game on Playstation. Spend next
three hours breeding Chocobos so game hero can save world. World doomed
in my opinion.
Day two, morning:
Woke up two hours earlier than usual.
Great; two extra hours of fencing practice
with the RJ Reynolds Company and spawn.
Seriously considering finding some hallucinogens as never had desire for
nicotine during a really good walk through a wall. Woke up six times
during night to pee because I drank four gallons of water "to assist
my system flush poison." Am feeling unusually testy as result of lack
of sleep and deep-seated oral fixation fantasies. Decide to either kill
or have sex with mail carrier when post arrives. Probably both.
Day 2, afternoon:
See husband off to airport for business trip.
Clean closets. Nothing new in mail.
Did all laundry out of necessity -
body of dead mail carrier would not fit in dryer otherwise.
Put in extra dryer sheets
(Arm and Hammer, biodegradable.)
Decide to take walk.
Meet neighbor who asks if mail came yet.
She is smoking a cigarette.
I tell her no out of spite.
Day 3, morning:
Go through dead man's mail bag;
keep catalogues for joyous Christmas shopping.
Feed rest down garbage disposal.
Day 3, Afternoon:
Call garbage disposal repair.
Day 4: Receive visitor.
Police looking for missing mail carrier -
received anonymous tip from garbage disposal repair person. Make coffee
and offer fat-free cookies and dried fruit. Arrange dried fruit to make
smiley faces on plate. Police officer asks if I mind if he smokes.
Burst in to tears. Confess.
Day 472:
Sentenced to death in murder of Postal Employee.
( Federal crime.)
Day 478:
Beaten by seven large women in prison
for having no cigarettes to trade.
Able to sing better now; make up prison blues songs.
Day 552:
Receive divorce papers:
husband marrying tobacco heiress.
Cell-mate offers to have ex husband whacked.
Wants twelve cartons of cigarettes
and one pair Doc Marten boots.
Decide husband will live as price too steep.
Day 558:
Secure two cartons of cigarettes for payment
to cell-mate to have defense attorney whacked.
Feel better.
Day 691:
Served last meal - minister asks if
anything wanted at last moments.
Think back to how good cigarette after meals used to be. Request one
last smoke. Minister reluctant, no smoking in federal building, but
sneaks one in. Sit back, relax, smoke. Ahhhhh. Feel slightly dizzy,
giddy, euphoric. Warden enters cell excitedly; Governor issues full
pardon due to new Federal "It Takes a Village" crimes statute: allows
for defense appeal of insanity by reason of severe nicotine withdrawal.
Day 1: Shit.
Friday afternoon, don't know if I'll have time to type anything in here this weekend so I will do it now.
I am leaving Sunday morning for a little trip and wont be back until sometime thursday evening or Friday morning...
going to the international peace garden to start and then we go from there..yep camera comes with me I will have a ton of photos!
I am leaving Sunday morning for a little trip and wont be back until sometime thursday evening or Friday morning...
going to the international peace garden to start and then we go from there..yep camera comes with me I will have a ton of photos!
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Monday, July 24, 2006
Well this is fun, my computer crashed yesterday so I had to reformat the C drive..well had a rescue disk from my computer so I did it..which got rid of everything...sighs..oh well..
now I got some surf sidekick that I can't seem to get rid of ..its annoying..good thing I put most of my pictures on a cd...now just to find the cd...
I am home today..not feeling great and installing stuff back on the computer.
now I got some surf sidekick that I can't seem to get rid of ..its annoying..good thing I put most of my pictures on a cd...now just to find the cd...
I am home today..not feeling great and installing stuff back on the computer.
Saturday, July 22, 2006
Friday, July 21, 2006
+----------------- Bizarre Science Trivia -----------------+ A diamond will not dissolve in acid. The only thing that can destroy it is intense heat. A lump of pure gold the size of a matchbox can be flattened into a sheet the size of a tennis court. Absolutely pure gold is so soft that it can be molded with the hands. An ounce of gold can be stretched into a wire 50 miles long. Natural gas has no odor. The smell is added artificially so that leaks can be detected. Sea water, loaded with mineral salts, weighs about a pound and a half more per cubit foot than fresh water at the same temperature. The Chinese were using aluminum to make things as early as 300 AD Western civilization didn't rediscover aluminum until 1827. The largest hailstone ever recorded was 17.5 inches in diameter - bigger than a basketball. The most abundant metal in the Earth's crust is aluminum.
coffee
+---------------- Bizarre Coffee Facts --------------------+
Advertisements for coffee in London in 1657 claimed that the
beverage was a cure for scurvy, gout and other ills.
In Italy, espresso is considered so essential to daily life
that the price is regulated by the government.
In the 16th century, Turkish women could divorce their
husbands if the man failed to keep his family's pot filled
with coffee.
Large doses of coffee can be lethal. Ten grams, or 100 cups
over 4 hours, can kill the average human.
Milk as an additive to coffee became popular in the 1680's,
when a French physician recommended that cafe au lait be
used for medicinal purposes.
Raw coffee beans, soaked in water and spices, are chewed
like candy in many parts of Africa.
The average cup of coffee contains more than 1000 different
chemical components, none of which is tasted in isolation
but only as part of the overall flavor.
Until the 18th century coffee was almost always boiled.
When a coffee seed is planted, it takes five years to yield
consumable fruit.
Advertisements for coffee in London in 1657 claimed that the
beverage was a cure for scurvy, gout and other ills.
In Italy, espresso is considered so essential to daily life
that the price is regulated by the government.
In the 16th century, Turkish women could divorce their
husbands if the man failed to keep his family's pot filled
with coffee.
Large doses of coffee can be lethal. Ten grams, or 100 cups
over 4 hours, can kill the average human.
Milk as an additive to coffee became popular in the 1680's,
when a French physician recommended that cafe au lait be
used for medicinal purposes.
Raw coffee beans, soaked in water and spices, are chewed
like candy in many parts of Africa.
The average cup of coffee contains more than 1000 different
chemical components, none of which is tasted in isolation
but only as part of the overall flavor.
Until the 18th century coffee was almost always boiled.
When a coffee seed is planted, it takes five years to yield
consumable fruit.
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Signs The Romance has Gone Out Of Your Marriage* You let one rip in your sleep and don't care if he hears.* Talking dirty in bed means shouting obscenities when he hogs theblanket.* Chivalry's as dead as the door he lets slam in your face.* PMS lasts all month.* Your jumbo box of absorbent maxi-pads is on open display.* "Honey, what are you thinking?" is now, "Are you finished yet?!"* He yawns when you bitch about that guy hitting on you at work.* Those frilly, lacy, tiny panties have become way too uncomfortable.* Two weeks no orgasm.* Three weeks no orgasm ... and you still don't miss it.* When he lends you five bucks, he expects it back.* You'd rather spend quality time with your vibrator.* The way he breathes is getting on your nerves.* Spouse using your toothbrush to scrub tile grout.* Candlelight dinners now illuminated by sticks of dynamite.* Spouse has gone from moaning while making love to moaning ABOUT makinglove.* Victoria's Secret? More like K-Mart's Special.* The only thigh you see on your anniversary is at KFC.* Morning breath no longer gives you that same thrill.* Husband's casual suggestions to "try swinging" are growing alarminglyfrequent.* Your husband wants to adopt a 17 year-old waitress from Hooters.* A romantic Saturday night at home now includes Dr.Quinn, MedicineWoman.* Wife keeping list of things she'll do after you're finally dead.* Request for sex now gets you $100 and a ticket to Vegas.
In order to reduce the amount of confusion that endusers might have in identifying the role of certainfiles that they have on their hard drives, Windows XPnow incorporates "smart" file extensions to aid endusers in support and troubleshooting issues.Please consult this reference guide before callingMicrosoft or any authorized Microsoft Support Servicesvendor:.god - Files developed by Microsoft.crap - 3rd party files.porn - Adult image files on an unmarried malescomputer.bible - Adult image files on a married males computer.easyaccess - Undocumented security flaws in Explorer,Outlook, and IIS.forsakendreams - Unfinished novels and short stories.lewinsky - Letters to your mistress.jackson - Information files on your illegitimatechildren.bush - New compression format that give you 1.6Trillion times more disk space but may increase theamount of arsenic and CO that your computer produces.china - Files that will hold 24 other files hostage ifany attempts are made to reference the operatingsystem..greenspan - New products that attempt to preventoveruse of the computer by dynamically adjusting theamount of memory your computer has available(adjusted quarterly).
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Earthquakes can strike without warning, and being prepared for such adisaster can mean the difference between life and death. Here are sometips to help you and your loved ones make it through a quake:~ Those living in areas not prone to earthquakes can respond quickly tothe plight of disaster victims in quake zones by complacently smirkingand saying, "I told you so."~ To minimize loss and damage in a quake, try not to own things.~ Practice your burrowing-out-from-under-40-tons-of-rubble skills aheadof time.~ Look out your window often. If you see a large, zig-zag-shapedcrevasse moving rapidly from the horizon toward your home, step eitherto the right or the left.~ For those who fear earthquakes, it may comfort you to know that amajority of the damage during the 1906 San Francisco earthquake did notcome from the tremors themselves. Instead, it was from the raging, out-of-control fires that consumed most of the city.~ A doorway is the safest place to be during a quake. Eat, sleep, andwork in doorways.~ Be sure to mail your house-insurance payments a full five businessdays before a major earthquake strikes.~ In the event of a quake, get under something heavy, such as a desk, atable, or your boss.~ If you are caught in a major earthquake in Southern California and arepart of the entertainment industry, take a moment or two to reflect onhow grossly you've wasted your life.
SUMMER SCHOOL FOR SLACKERSFail a class? Drop one too many? Don't worry about it. In order to keepmoney flowing into our institution we've created a summer program thatany slacker could pass.New Course Offerings for the Summer Session: THEORIES OF TIC-TAC-TOE:Should you pick X or O? The answer isn't as complicated as you mightthink once you've learned the theory. Learn techniques that the prosuse, and play with confidence. Pre-Requisite: the movie "War Games"THE DECLINE OF ROMAN ORGASMS: What happened to the pleasure of the Romanwoman after 33 A.D.? Using archeological evidence and experiences fromher own marriage, Dr. Lisa Cecil uncovers an entire era of faking it.Pre-Requisite: Bitter RelationshipDRAWING CONCLUSIONS: Using our creative instinct to doodle on thingslabeled "work," we'll literally draw conclusions. Pre-Requisite: MotorSkillsMUSIC TO THE EARS: Like the Sound of Music? How about the sound of doingnothing for two hours a day for credit? Pre-Requisite: FOOD TO THESTOMACH also, be on the lookout for . . .THE ORIGINS OF BEGINNINGS -- An Introductory Course THUMBS UP, THUMBSDOWN: post-modern film criticism THE ECONOMICS OF ARCADES: findingchange for a dollar THE STATISTICS OF POLLS -- A survey course.
mistressotdark's blog
Signs That Your Life Is About To Change10. While watching the news, you spot yourspouse marching in a Gay Pride parade.9. The bank notifies you that your paycheck hasbounced.8. On a densely foggy morning, while driving inthe center lane of ahighway, you suddenly run out of gas.7. You arrive at your wedding to find, twoushers, four bridesmaids,and six pallbearers.6. You ask your doctor for a physical and hereplies, "I'm sorry, Idon't do autopsies."5. The IRS invites you to a weenie-roast and theinvitation beginswith "Dear Weenie...".6. While surfing the internet, you suddenly getthe followingdiaglogue box: "ICBM launch successful. Confirmstrike? (Y/N)".4. You receive an invitation from the Oval Officeto "chew the fat".3. You hear that your dentist has been arrestedfor using radio-active material as tooth-filling.2. At the vacant house next door, you notice aU-Haul van and a truck which looks very similiarto the one on the Beverly Hillbillies.1. Your twelve-year-old daughter suddenlydevelops a craving forpickles and ice cream.
Signs That Your Life Is About To Change10. While watching the news, you spot yourspouse marching in a Gay Pride parade.9. The bank notifies you that your paycheck hasbounced.8. On a densely foggy morning, while driving inthe center lane of ahighway, you suddenly run out of gas.7. You arrive at your wedding to find, twoushers, four bridesmaids,and six pallbearers.6. You ask your doctor for a physical and hereplies, "I'm sorry, Idon't do autopsies."5. The IRS invites you to a weenie-roast and theinvitation beginswith "Dear Weenie...".6. While surfing the internet, you suddenly getthe followingdiaglogue box: "ICBM launch successful. Confirmstrike? (Y/N)".4. You receive an invitation from the Oval Officeto "chew the fat".3. You hear that your dentist has been arrestedfor using radio-active material as tooth-filling.2. At the vacant house next door, you notice aU-Haul van and a truck which looks very similiarto the one on the Beverly Hillbillies.1. Your twelve-year-old daughter suddenlydevelops a craving forpickles and ice cream.
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Monday, July 17, 2006
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